Hey comrades, long time no see :) Apologies in advance for the length of this post; I am probably going to ramble on quite a bit. If you don't want to read what happens when adolescents get horribly politically confused, do yourself a favour and click out of this thread.
So I've been having quite a bit of theoretical and practical confusion as of late, and I thought I should ask all of you for opinions seeing as I'm evidently still influenced to a great extent by left communism.
Around this time last year, I made a thread asking whether it was a good idea for me, as a left communist, to join Left Unity (a broad-tent leftist party which sometimes contested elections and had union links) out of a sheer desire to "do something, anything." Quite a bit has transpired since then. I ultimately decided to stay involved with the party and just see what happened, and...some stuff sure did happen. I got what I wanted in terms of activism: I got to feel as if I was doing something, met some cool people, attended a bunch of events and started writing regularly for the CPGB(PCC)'s paper, the Weekly Worker (if you happen to read that paper, I go by "Commissaress" there too). But I also became a theoretical mess. At the beginning of 2015 I was quite confident in terms of my knowledge of the Marxist basics and my political consistency, and I had never been one to jump wildly around the political spectrum: I had a passing interest in (orthodox) Trotskyism, then I was a left communist, and that was pretty much it. Once I joined Left Unity, I lost all sight of what I stood for and routinely contradicted my own positions. All the clarity I once had vanished, because being "too leftist" in LU wasn't going to get me anywhere, but at the same time I didn't really know what I actually supported. To clarify, I'm not referring to the tendency label I used, but to my actual theoretical positions themselves.
Not that I was at all good at not being "too left." Almost every single time I did any work with the party, I would feel ridiculously out of place politically. I knew this was going to happen as soon as they started getting all hyped-up about SYRIZA last January (and then grew strangely quiet about them when, surprise surprise, they failed to deliver), but once Corbyn was elected leader and everyone started acting like he was the fucking Messiah, things got really bad. I wrote quite a bit about that in my assessment of the LU national conference, if you're interested: http://weeklyworker.co.uk/worker/1084/heads-in-the-sand/. And you know something's gone very wrong when you have to tell ostensible socialists not to support liberals. This continued, fundamental disagreement between me and the rest of the party made me question my membership over and over again, as well as whether a Communist Platform should even exist within a party so contaminated by not even reformism, but flat-out liberalism.
Then, about a month ago - a year and three months after I had joined LU - I didn't need to question anymore. There was a programme and organisation-related dispute between the CP and the rest of the party, the CP passed a motion and after it was rejected, we promptly announced our dissolution. Some part of me was relieved that our platform dissolved, since frankly, consistent Marxists have no place in LU. But mostly, I was just miffed. Firstly, because everyone - even the other CP members - seems to think that the Labour Party could somehow be made into a party of the working-class and that Corbyn is a step forward, and no one is arguing against this ludicrous idea. Secondly, because this split goes to show that the latest "rebuild the left" project has failed just like Respect and the countless other initiatives before it, and that the left still can't get its shit together. And finally, because I'm now back to square one.
I want to be in a party and I want to organise and I want to fight capitalism, but there is not a single revolutionary organisation in the UK with a decent internal culture and good politics. I was even thinking of joining Labour (and the Labour Party Marxists) as a way to gain a platform and participate in some activism and awareness-raising, but if I felt ultra-left in LU, I can't imagine how I'd feel in an actual social democratic party. Joining Labour would be totally against my principles, but...is contravention of principles sometimes necessary for practicality's sake?
Help me out, comrades, I have no clue what to do. Perhaps I should just forget about politics and go back to looking at shirtless pictures of Zayn Malik on Tumblr. I don't know.